So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
