It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
