are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
