long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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