Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
