Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
