Can Purell be used as lube?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Randomize
