i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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