it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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