I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
