Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
