I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
