Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
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