man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Let's get the cat blown out
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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