Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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