i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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