If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
