Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
