I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
