It's like a parade of train wrecks.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
