Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
