What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
