Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i will never coherently bang her
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
