This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
