ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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