thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
