i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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