How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
