it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
