You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
