Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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