So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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