apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
