i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize
