I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
