I got chris browned last night
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
