I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
