Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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