im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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