i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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