Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
