When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
