Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
