i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
