Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
