wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
