I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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