1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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