What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
