When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
