I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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