Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
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