I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
