I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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