Soap is not a condiment
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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