Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
